It is what it is....
Warning: whiney PMS (poor me syndrome) crap to follow.
After my weekend with the lunatic family (as described at the other place) I find myself in a cranky, cynical mood. Cari used a phrase I'd coined as a blog title, and for some reason it just bothered me. I only have a few good witticisms, do ya gotta use 'em? My personality is all I've really got going for me, and her using my words just feels like, c'mon let me have one thing that I can work it with. It's kinda fun, kinda weird blogging on the same site. She's getting a lot more singles action than I am. I'm not using alt to hook up with anyone right now, but it plays into my insecurities. It's always the same. Guys want to talk to me, and want to fuck her. She's not too fond of that situation either.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I get envious of my friends? Even if I don't really want what they have. I don't want casual sex, but I do want to have someone that's interested in me. Even if I realize it's just a sham, that they wouldn't want me once they saw me. It just feels like I'm fucking repellant. In lots of areas of my life right now that I don't want to post.
Maybe it's just revisiting parental issues that's bringing this up. Donna (my mom's neighbor) is telling me I need to be demonstrative with my dad. Major rejection issues there. And that makes me feel guilty, because it's not like my dad abandoned us like so many fathers have. He was just emotionally unavailable. And I realize that it's because of his baggage with his parents. But sometimes I just want to say, what about me? When do I get to cry on someone's shoulder? Can't I just have someone who's there for me?
And saying this shit makes me feel so guilty and selfish. But it is.
a side note: my roommate is so sweet, she can hear me sniffing and wiping my face and she asks: You okay? Of course I say yeah, like it's no big deal. And there you have it.
After my weekend with the lunatic family (as described at the other place) I find myself in a cranky, cynical mood. Cari used a phrase I'd coined as a blog title, and for some reason it just bothered me. I only have a few good witticisms, do ya gotta use 'em? My personality is all I've really got going for me, and her using my words just feels like, c'mon let me have one thing that I can work it with. It's kinda fun, kinda weird blogging on the same site. She's getting a lot more singles action than I am. I'm not using alt to hook up with anyone right now, but it plays into my insecurities. It's always the same. Guys want to talk to me, and want to fuck her. She's not too fond of that situation either.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I get envious of my friends? Even if I don't really want what they have. I don't want casual sex, but I do want to have someone that's interested in me. Even if I realize it's just a sham, that they wouldn't want me once they saw me. It just feels like I'm fucking repellant. In lots of areas of my life right now that I don't want to post.
Maybe it's just revisiting parental issues that's bringing this up. Donna (my mom's neighbor) is telling me I need to be demonstrative with my dad. Major rejection issues there. And that makes me feel guilty, because it's not like my dad abandoned us like so many fathers have. He was just emotionally unavailable. And I realize that it's because of his baggage with his parents. But sometimes I just want to say, what about me? When do I get to cry on someone's shoulder? Can't I just have someone who's there for me?
And saying this shit makes me feel so guilty and selfish. But it is.
a side note: my roommate is so sweet, she can hear me sniffing and wiping my face and she asks: You okay? Of course I say yeah, like it's no big deal. And there you have it.
posted by mixtrixc at 8:27 PM
3 Comments:
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I don't think you should feel selfish or guilty for saying such things, Mixtrixc. And I also don't think you should beat yourself up for wishing that you had someone there for you occasionally. This just seems perfectly fair and normal to me.
I am pretty much in agreement with your mum's neighbour, however. I am wary of parents who shelter behind their own traumas to explain away their infliction of emotional woundings on the next generation.
No matter our age, status, location or whatever - we are all of us, first and foremost and forever, the children of our parents. And any sense of rejection from our life source remains an agony that at times feels unendurable. Please don't be so hard on yourself for expressing these recognisable and understandable pains. In fact, give yourself a hug for doing it so well.
Thanks, and thanks for making me laugh last night. I read your blog for the first time last night right after I posted this maudlin shit.
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